Luigi doesn't answer your Questions
by Boss-defeater451
Summary: Always wanted to know what that Stargate was talking about in PIT? Wonder what happened to Mr. L? Then... don't come here, because these questions will not be answered! In fact, Luigi won't answer any questions in this parody of the normal Q&A!


**Greetings, reader. Welcome to this one-shot, a parody of other fanfictions. Have you seen the stories of 'Person X answers your questions?' Well, this story is mostly a parody of that. There are a few references though to other kind of stories, but you'll learn in time. Something this story has problems with. It was supposed to be finished during that glitch on the Mario selection… I'll still pretend the glitch is still here, but in reality, it was fixed long ago.**

**But without any further ado, let's begin.**

**Disclaimer: Mario or anything else from his series do not belong to this author, but to Nintendo. A certain creature also does belong to them and Game Freak.**

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><p>The sun shone over the Mushroom Kingdom, starting a new day for the inhabitants. Everyone was doing as what they usually did, toads working their hardest on their job, koopa's walking quite slowly and relaxed to their job, goomba's planning their revenge of once stomping Mario… Some of the goomba's anyway. Bowser was trying to get up with a new plan to conquer the world and princess Peach, the princess herself was trying to improve the lives of the toads, and our two beloved plumber brothers were still sleeping in their bed. Everything was peaceful…<p>

Hey wait a second. Who's that, walking alone on the fields between the Dark Lands and the Mushroom Kingdom? Walking alone, seemingly planning to do something?

"Let's see… Bowser already did, Mario's been taken, Peach as well…" The mysterious figure enlisted, trying to figure out something. What had Bowser, Mario and Peach in common? They were the heroes of the light prognostics, but something tells this author that this was not the similarity the figure meant.

"I could do OC's… But who would allow me to use them anyway?" OC's? What kind of mysterious figure was this, for having knowledge of fanfiction terms? A look on him/her/it (you can't ignore that possibility…) wouldn't reveal anything to the identity of the figure, for a black coat covered the person.

"The koopalings… Nah, they are overused." The figure remained silent, thinking about who would be the perfect person for this. Birds neared the black figure, thinking he/she/it was a scarecrow, so perfectly still the person remained.

"LUIGI!" The birds flew quickly away, surprised by this sudden statement of a name. While the birds flew away, blaming each other for thinking it was a normal scarecrow, the person suddenly ran away, faster than the wind and maybe even Sonic the Hedgehog. You're too slow, Sonic!

Ahem. Sorry for this random sentence. That happens when a certain blue hedgehog says something way too much… But seeing as how this place is now deserted, let's move on to somebody else… Somebody this author likes very much… IN A FANBOY WAY! I know you people… If I don't say that, then everything will happen…

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><p>"Girafarig?" A mini-giraffe looked dazed at a computer, seeing how a certain Pokémon was not available in the Unova region… Wait a moment… This is not Mario anymore, is it? When I said 'somebody this author likes very much', I meant a Mario character! Who in the *BEEP* switched over to another selection? He's fired! … Why do I hear nobody responding? I would nearly get the feeling I'm the only person… … Moving back to the Mario selection.<p>

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><p>Luigi, just to plainly state it, was bored out of his mind. Nothing had happened for several weeks now. Bowser hadn't attempted to kidnap Peach, no sports tournament was coming, Daisy was in Sarassaland, Wario and Waluigi were busy far away, the toads and Toadette were doing their job in Peach's castle, Mario was currently there as well, Peach of course too, Luigi's alter ego, Mr. L, didn't attempt to return, Dimentio was apparently not planning something evil, Fawful and Cackletta were either dead for good or hiding somewhere, Rosalina was in her observatory, Yoshi was living peacefully on his island, all OC's (Luigi has knowledge of fanfiction terms as well?) were either searching for a way back home, at (high) school or Peach's castle, or trying to save the world on some other way, and finally, no crazy fangirls or fanboys that called themselves 'author', were doing something completely random.<p>

To basically sum it up, nothing was happening. Absolutely nothing

Luigi took out a newspaper, and walked through the living room. Maybe something was actually happening… Though, if you had to believe some toads, the reason that nothing special happened was because of a 'glitch in the Mario selection'. Of course, everyone called those toads crazy. Nobody even knew what they were talking about anyway.

Finally deciding on a chair, Luigi took a seat. As he expected, nothing special had happened. Just some economic facts, an artifact recovered by somebody and all of these things. Nothing really special. Luigi sighed. While he was not the one to seek danger, this was just truly boring for somebody that experienced a princessnapping every month.

Maybe he should take a nice nap. Till Mario returned, so that they would be able to play a video game together… Maybe Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Luigi placed the newspaper on the table beside the chair, and grew sleepy quickly… Sleepier and sleepier… The eyes slowly closing… Nearing the bottom… Almost there… Nearly there… Just about a few seconds… Not taking long anymore… About right now… Just a few… Oh, who am I kidding? This is taking forever! SLEEP, LUIGI! Sleep, for the sake of all things sleepy!

Hearing the sudden loud commands that he couldn't possibly hear at all, Luigi's eyes immediately opened up again. While this author was bashing the wall with his head for his stupidity, Luigi was checking the room, checking out if no murderer was in the house. Lucky enough, there wasn't. Just to be sure, Luigi stood up from his chair, walking through the house. Only his footsteps on the wooden floor were heard and only the normal household things were visible, so no murderer. Sighing of relief, Luigi walked back to his comfortable chair, in for a nap.

Just as Luigi touched the chair, the bell rang. While muttering some words, Luigi stood up and walked to the main door. No, first to the window, just to be sure no door-to-door salesman was standing there. Everyone knew how much money the two heroes of the Mushroom Kingdom collected through their journeys, resulting into many of those salesmen visiting.

Nope, that didn't look like a salesman. That could still mean it was one; nowadays, salesmen got much smarter, using disguises sometimes. That was how Luigi ended up with books he wrote himself. And it happened twice. It doesn't need to be told that Mario was pretty angry afterwards…

Luigi was just about to open the door, when he realized something else. The bell rang again, but Luigi walked back to the window anyway. Nope… whoever this mysterious person was, it didn't look like an 'author'. So Luigi didn't need to fear that some person jumped on him. It was odd; In the Mushroom Kingdom, the green plumber wasn't so popular, but wherever these authors came from… He was very popular. Much to his displeasure. Most of those authors lacked sanity. To the extreme. Being the favorite of the wrong people, so Luigi thought of this matter.

Another ring from the bell snapped Luigi back to reality. He had already wasted enough time, so he ran to the door. Opening it slowly, ensuring that if he had it wrong, the person would not storm in the house, and looked around the corner. Now he could see a bit better what this person looked like. She had black straight long hair of the night, but her skin was of the sun, having a brownish tint to the still quite pale skin. Her eyes looked determined, but also a bit insure, as if she made a decision of which she couldn't decide whether it was a good one or not, but still went for it. Her clothes, as far as Luigi could see, only consisted of a black cloak, covering everything but her kind face.

"Hi?" Luigi said, looking at the young girl.

"Hi, Luigi!" The girl said with an enthusiasm that could be only rivaled by Daisy when she had won a trophy.

"How do you..." Luigi started, but he never got the chance to finish his sentence.

"You're very famous, don't you know? I wanted to ask you something very important, so give it all your thought!" The girl answered Luigi's not finished question, just as fast as Mario getting a star and then going for a high score by running into enemies… Or something like that.

"What…" She again interrupted Luigi's question. It was just like she was on drugs. Maybe those people who said mushrooms are drugs were right after all… Though, Luigi had never known that it also caused people to talk like this.

"I'm wanting to do an interview with you! Not just any interview, no, well, actually, yes, but then from other people who want to know things from you! This will help you getting more famous, that's what you wanted, no? Really, it will help! So say yes, and I will make it happen!" It was that Luigi sometimes talked gibberish himself, otherwise the tempo would have been too quick to understand what she was telling. Not exactly sure how that combines, but it did.

But this… 'interview' thing would make him more… popular. It would get him out of Mario's shadow. Maybe this wasn't a too bad idea. After all, what could happen in an interview…? Okay, sometimes it turned out to be a dangerous game of truth and dare, WITH other people, namely authors, commanding him and others, but this time, it was only questions. No harm could be done.

"Fine. Sign me in." For the first time in his conversation, Luigi actually managed to complete a sentence. One that didn't consist of only one word. The girl squeaked in amusement, her plan succeeding. A story called 'Luigi answers your questions' would obviously get many people to read it! After all, most authors were fan of Luigi!

"Perfect! Then would you mind doing a test run? Just to be sure that everything will go fine?" The girl didn't wait for an answer to softly push Luigi out of the way, enter his house, and taking a seat at his table. Out of completely nowhere, she got a laptop, a pink one, and started it.

"That might be a good idea…" Luigi agreed. While Luigi took a seat nearby, the girl started writing on Word…

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><p><strong>TEST RUN. TAKE 1. ACTION.<strong>

Mysterious girl: Welcome readers, to Luigi answers your questions!

Luigi: What's your name actually?

Mysterious girl: Mysteria. Didn't I introduce myself before?

Luigi: Nope… Hey, why do I get the feeling I'm talking weirdly? As if I can only say things, not ask, demand, shout, question, inquire, reject…

Mysteria: That's only in your head. Anyway, we have the great Green Thunder here! Say hello to your fans!

Luigi: Green Thunder is the name of my dark side, not myself. Also, wasn't this supposed to get me more fans, instead of just giving information to those that are already?

Mysteria: Shush, you gotta do something for those that are already. So, say hello and wave!

Luigi: Err… Ok… Hello fans… … WHY CAN'T I WAVE MY HAND?

Mysteria: What do you mean?

Luigi: I can't wave! *Waves with his hand* See? … Now I suddenly can again… Also, what are those '*'?

Mysteria: Those are nothing. But now for the rules…

Luigi: Rules? Which rules? … Now I'm stuck to my seat! Why can't I stand up and walk over and see those rules for myself!

Mysteria: What are you talking about?

Luigi: I can't freaking stand up. I feel like a statue, stuck to a seat! What's going on?

Mysteria: … This is probably because of the script form…

Luigi: The what?

Mysteria: Script form. A way to write things down. Problem now is, I've mentioned, that it's rather hard to move around…

Luigi: Indeed! I mean, I can't even blink anymore! *Eyes become wet as he speaks* Can't you turn this back?

Mysteria: … Fine. It isn't allowed anyway…

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><p><strong>TEST RUN. TAKE 2. ACTION!<strong>

Luigi sighed in relief as could freely move again. How Mysteria's text form could manipulate reality, was something he did not know and didn't want to know. He was glad enough to be able to just move his hands.

Mysteria sighed, attempting it again. "Welcome readers to 'Luigi answers your questions!' We've got the great Ghost hunter here. Who you gonna call? Indeed, Luigi! Say hello to your fans, Luigi!"

"Hello?" Luigi spoke, as if to whoever he was talking was not there… Which was actually the case.

"Now for the rules! Number 1: Only questions of K or K+ are allowed!" Luigi looked at Mysteria as is she was crazy.

"K or K+…?" Luigi repeated in a questioning manner.

"Ratings. K or K+ are child friendly questions, just in case children are reading this." Mysteria answered. Well, that seemed like a good reason to Luigi. After all, child fans were quite cute. They drawing pictures of him and Mario… With a pleasant smile on his face, Luigi listened to Mysteria's second rule.

"Number 2: You can only ask three questions!"

"Why only three questions?" Luigi asked, not fully understanding it. If he did, he wouldn't have asked after all!

"Because we would get too many questions and that would take too long. Anyway, number 3: Enjoy the interview!" Mysteria wanted to continue, but Luigi got in the way.

"Good reason, but what if we get a million people that send in questions, which is very likely with me being interviewed? I mean, then we're still for a long time here."

"Well, err… Then I skip them?" Mysteria asked more on a suggestion tone than as a real answer. She moved a bit nervously in her seat.

"But that would be unfair! Everyone has the right to ask the great Luigi questions! Nobody will be left behind!" Luigi jumped up on his while speaking, posing like some kind of famous hero on his chair. The footmarks of his shoes were leaving dirty spots on it.

"Okay, but we still stuck to three question rule." Mysteria responded, but Luigi didn't agree with that that simply.

"But why then?" Now Mysteria got a bit angry.

"Because we need the readers to stick around! If they can get their answers on the first try, then they will read the answer and then never come back! That won't help with you getting more fans! Thus I must limit it! Now can you please hold still, I know better what to do than you!"

"Fine." Luigi merely stated, realizing he still stood on the chair. Deciding Mario might get angry if he figured out Luigi had stand on his chair, he sat down back. He never knew the damage was already done.

"And now… Now… Err… I lost what I wanted to say…" Mysteria said in realization.

"You knew what to do?" Luigi responded sarcastically.

"Shut up. I'll remember if we try again."

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><p><strong>TEST RUN. TAKE 3. ACTION!<strong>

After getting back to rule number 3, Mysteria indeed remembered what she needed to say. "Because just thinking of something random might be difficult, I've got a test question!" Mysteria exclaimed, while only Luigi could hear it. Why she still did that was a question. She quickly wrote on her laptop, in order to keep track of what she said herself.

"Luigi, the stargate in M&L:PIT said something about an 'odd incident.' And also about 'another thing.' What are those exactly?" Mysteria inquired, eager to figure out what it was talking about. Luigi, on the other hand, seemed shocked.

Finally, after some time, Luigi finally opened his mouth. "… I won't answer."

"WHAT? You have to answer! You must answer the question!" Mysteria demanded, but Luigi only shook his head.

"Why should I answer?"

"Because you have to answer any questions directed at you! You must answer these questions! Including this one!"

"You never said that!" Luigi countered..

"I did now! Now answer!"

"I have my privacy!"

"Not in this story!"

"If you don't respect my privacy, then I won't answer any question!" Luigi's face confirmed he was serious. If Mysteria wanted to get those readers, then she had to let Luigi allow to not answer everything… This would probably kill the amounts of readers, but it was better than none.

"Fine. Then…"

"And also any other questions I do not want to answer." Luigi demanded.

"… I would go and counter it, but I don't have the time to. Fine, I'll add it to the rules. Now let's try again."

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><p><strong>TEST RUN. TAKE 4. ACTION!<strong>

When they had passed the new rule 3 and the old rule 3, which was now number 4, Mysteria was about to ask a question she was sure of that Luigi would answer, but then suddenly, the main door opened.

"Hi bro! How was your day?" Mario said in a cheerful tone. Obviously got cake again, or maybe a kiss from Peach, Luigi thought. While Mario closed the door, he looked through the room, seeing his little brother Luigi (who was younger by just a few minutes, but still was) on a chair, and a mysterious girl in a black coat with a pink laptop.

"Who is she?" Mario asked, directing the question at Luigi instead of the girl herself.

"I'm here and can answer. I'm not deaf. I'm Mysteria, and I'm interviewing your brother." Mario immediately looked back at Luigi.

"Really? I thought you would be shy about that. You didn't let yourself just walk over by her, did you?" Mario asked, a bit anxious.

"No bro, she said the interview would get me more popular… You know I'm sensitive about that!" Luigi explained, only to have Mario look oddly at him.

"Last time you said that, you ended up as a final boss…" Mario said thoughtfully.

"But that was because of that crazy jester Dimentio! It won't happen with a girl this kind!" Was she truly this kind as Luigi told Mario? She was currently planning a question for Mario. While Luigi would remain as the focus, guest appearances by other characters would help to rise the amount of readers.

"Mario, did you listen to the stargate's advice? You know, the diet one?" She asked suddenly, catching both bros unguarded. Luigi restored the first.

"Hey! You would interview me, not Mario!" Luigi said a bit angry.

"That, and I never gave permission to you to interview me!" Mario added.

"I can ask who I want!" Mysteria responded, a bit angry as well. "Besides, with Mario's stardom I'm sure to get some readers, who will become interested in you afterwards! You'll get fans from Mario's fans!"

"Those are his fans! I want my own as well! And this was about me, not him!" Luigi exclaimed furious.

"That, and I didn't give you permission!" Mario added and repeated.

"FINE! I won't ask Mario any questions!" Mysteria slammed her hands on her laptop, which somehow did not break. Very strong metal probably, or just a lack of strength in Mysteria's hands. Both are possible.

"You said she was kind?" Mario questioned his bro's statement.

"I'm not sure of that anymore, bro." Luigi answered, moving a bit nervously now in his chair. What if she got angry again, and then decided to use Luigi as punch bag… That would be bad.

"Let's try again. And if you don't want to join, then keep out, Mario." Mysteria responded. How many takes would this test run take?

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><p><strong>TEST RUN. TAKE 5. ACTION!<strong>

While Luigi and Mysteria repeated everything again, Mario stood in a corner, sighing at this interview. He walked around, picking up several things, like the newspaper Luigi was originally reading in, and placed them somewhere, but not taking his ears of the interview.

"So Luigi, do you remember anything of being Mr. L?" Mysteria finally asked, after all those takes. It nearly seemed to be impossible to get a good question without any interruptions. But now, she was sure, would be the last take. Then she would finally start with the introduction for real.

"No, and can we move on to something else? I'm not feeling very easy about my dark side…" Luigi softly muttered, his hands moving to his cap where once a brainwashing sprout was. Yes, sprouts are EVIL. EVIL, I say!

"Okay, though the authors surely would loved some questions about him…" Mysteria looked a bit dreamily away, and missed due that that Luigi was getting angry.

"Authors! You said I would get more fans! Those are already, and I don't want them to be fans of me! They're crazy and bring trouble!"

"Shouldn't have said that…" Mysteria grumbled while Luigi continued ranting.

"You nearly got me answering questions from authors! Who knows what questions those would be? I'm ending this!" Luigi pointed to a door, and after some struggling and attempts to save her story, Mysteria finally left.

"Well bro, this gotta be my biggest mistake ever." Luigi said sad, lying down that he was tricked into doing this. Mario walked over to Luigi, placing a gloved hand on the green man's shoulder.

"No bro, that was when you bought those books that you wrote yourself. But don't worry too much about it. I'm happy enough that you didn't end up as final boss this time. Especially with a certain author writing this…" Mario looked up to a list near the door. "Should I add 'odd interviewers' to the list of who to not open the door for?"

"Yeah…" Luigi agreed, still hurt by being tricked, but less than before. Mario picked up a lead, and walked up to the list. Mario read all the words on it. Salesmen. Wario. Waluigi. Bowser. Koopalings. Panicked toads. Authors. And now, new to the list, 'odd interviewers.'

Luigi stood up and wanted to walk away, but Mario mentioned something. "Bro, what are those footmarks doing on that chair…?" Luigi didn't need to see Mario to know that he was in trouble…

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><p><strong>And thus ended my first one-shot. And my first parody. Hopefully you enjoyed it. The story feels rushed to me at the end… If you have the time, then review.<strong>


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